I was shopping with my family. We were in some sort of clothing store. All the clothes had ridiculous prices. There was no way I could afford anything. Then I saw the clearance section. It was filled with warm weather clothes for girls. I was getting very frustrated. I just wanted some shorts. Then suddenly, right before my eyes was a beautiful winter jacket. It had a tan linen outside, with a hood. It was almost rustic looking, but obviously new. I tried it on. The inside was lined with fleece. I had never before found a jacket so marvelous, so comfortable, and in clearance. There was no price on the jacket. Obviously someone had misplaced it in the clearance section. Deciding not to give up I found a store clerk and asked her how much the jacket was.
She said, "Oi, that beautiful thing is $9".
I couldn't believe it. I decided to try it on again to make sure that I wanted to buy it.
The store clerk said, "that is one fine jacket sir. It really fits you great".
I looked around for my family, but they couldn't be found. Again I noticed how the clearance section was mostly women's summer clothing.
Feeling slightly curious about the jacket I asked, " why is this jacket on clearance?"
The clerk replied, " the airbags are malfunctioning".
I made the mistake of laughing. She punched my arm. POOF!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Pancake Zac
The hot summer days seemed to be evaporating before my eyes. There was change in the air. Autumn was nearly here. My favorite way to spend the evenings was to doze in a rocking chair. Back and forth I'd rock, remembering the good ol'days when Apple Beer cost only a nickel. The sound of two boys wrestling around in the dirt waffled through the air, breaking my sweet remembrance,
"CHEATER!" yelled one.
"AM NOT!" yelled the other.
Around and around they rolled, punching, clawing, biting, spitting, doing anything young boys could think of.
"HOLD UP THERE", I roared.
Neither one payed notice. Trying again I said, "Stop this bickering boys".
They continued rolling around like wild animals.
"Hey I'll give you both five dollars if you stop", I said.
Their scuffle paused momentarily.
"Really?" they asked in unison.
"No, I just wanted to see if you could hear me", I replied.
They began fighting again. Realizing that they weren't listening to words, I decided to try a different tactic. Lifting my old body out of my rocker I reached over and grabbed my cane. I used it to hobble over to the occupied boys. When I got close enough I began whacking. "Take that, and that, and this," I said as I smacked them with my cane.
"Ouch!" Said one.
"Ouch!" Said the other.
"Stop!" they said together.
I just kept whacking away.
"Why, OUCH! Why are you, OUCH! doing this, OUCH! too us?" asked one of the boys.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", I replied with a chuckle.
"What?" Screamed the other boy.
"My words didn't work so I figured I'd use sticks and stones. Hopefully my stick works, if it doesn't I'm going to start using stones", I cackled.
"We'll stop!" they yelled,"please just don't hit us with your cane any more!"
"Alright", I said, as I whacked them again for good measure.
I stood eyeing them as they caught their breath. Both boys looked to be about 11 years old. They were covered in so much dirt you could hardly tell they were humans.
"So what type of argument could make creatures like yourselves roll around in the dirt?" I asked.
"He called me a cheat!" one said, pointing to the other.
"He is a cheat!" Said the other, pointing to the one.
Before they could begin fighting again I whacked them on their heads.
"OUCH!" They yelped.
"Well did you cheat?" I asked the boy with that label.
"Just a little bit!" he replied.
"How about you?" I asked, pointing at the other. "Did you cheat too?"
"Not as much as he did", he replied.
"Hmmm, so you both cheated? but neither of you wants to be called a cheater? Is that correct?", I asked.
"Yes sir", they replied.
Trying not to smile at their serious response I said, "Why don't both of you climb up onto my porch here, and I'll give you an apple beer and tell you a story about cheaters".
Realizing there was no way out of listening to an old timer like myself, they answered, "yes sir". I knew they didn't really want to listen, but it gave me someone to talk to, so I ushered them onto my creaky old porch and gave them a cold apple beer.
Many, many years ago there was a young man. His name was Zachary, but most people just called him Pancake, or Pancake Zac. You see, ever since Pancake could remember, pancakes were his specialty. He could make blueberry, craisinberry, chocolate, whole wheat, half wheat, no wheat, sweet, not sweet, or just plain'ol pancakes. You name it and he could make it with a pancake. For miles around everybody knew Pancake could make the best darn pancakes there ever were. Well one day Pancake found himself in a game of Texas Hold'em. Boy oh boy was it a game to remember. This game had begun in a tournament of cards. Everybody and their dogs had started, but now there were only four people left. Wiley Cry, a Native American brave, Susie Mcdougal the local inn keeper, Smelly Tom the barber, and Pancake himself. Oh and also Smart Henries dog. (I said four people, Henries dog was still in). Needless to say, everyone of those people (and the dog) were incredibly handy when it came to card playing. There were bluffs, calling bluffs, Straights, full houses, Royal Straights, you name it they played it. The game went on and on, nobody gaining ground on the other competitors. The night came and went, morning arrived, then left, then the day passed on by, Still they played, and played and played. Nobody was going to give in. Well Pancake being an intelligent young man, knew he could only take so much more. So he hatched a plan, so devious and sly he couldn't believe Wiley handn't thought of it before him. Yet again the night went by and morning arrived.
"Hey there Susie", Pancaked said. "If you give in now I'll make you pancakes for a month". And he really would, he kind of liked Susie, she was an awefully nice critter for those parts.
Susie gave Pancake one of the sweetest smiles he had ever seen and replied, "Those darn pancakes you concoct aren't worth the tail of a door mouse". Everyone nearby gasped. Nobody had ever passed up Pancake's pancakes.
"Dang Susie you must never have had my Royal raspberry pancakes before!" Pancake replied in mock surprise. "I like to go pick some fresh raspberries, then I sprinkle them into the batter. After I fry them up I sprinkle a little bit of powdered sugar on top. OH! I almost forgot, after the light sprinkle of powdered sugar I add some of my mama's special buttermilk syrup. Hmmm it's making my mouth water just thinking of it."
"This is no card game, this is torture! Pancake if you make me half a dozen of those special Raspberry pancakes I'll quit now!" Wiley yelled as he stuck out his hand for Pancake to shake.
"Deal", Pancake yelled back, grabbing Wiley's hand before he could take it back.
Because of Pancakes cunning there were now only four participants left, Pancake of course, Susie Mcdougal, Smart Henries dog, and Smelly Tom.
-------To be continued---------
"CHEATER!" yelled one.
"AM NOT!" yelled the other.
Around and around they rolled, punching, clawing, biting, spitting, doing anything young boys could think of.
"HOLD UP THERE", I roared.
Neither one payed notice. Trying again I said, "Stop this bickering boys".
They continued rolling around like wild animals.
"Hey I'll give you both five dollars if you stop", I said.
Their scuffle paused momentarily.
"Really?" they asked in unison.
"No, I just wanted to see if you could hear me", I replied.
They began fighting again. Realizing that they weren't listening to words, I decided to try a different tactic. Lifting my old body out of my rocker I reached over and grabbed my cane. I used it to hobble over to the occupied boys. When I got close enough I began whacking. "Take that, and that, and this," I said as I smacked them with my cane.
"Ouch!" Said one.
"Ouch!" Said the other.
"Stop!" they said together.
I just kept whacking away.
"Why, OUCH! Why are you, OUCH! doing this, OUCH! too us?" asked one of the boys.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me", I replied with a chuckle.
"What?" Screamed the other boy.
"My words didn't work so I figured I'd use sticks and stones. Hopefully my stick works, if it doesn't I'm going to start using stones", I cackled.
"We'll stop!" they yelled,"please just don't hit us with your cane any more!"
"Alright", I said, as I whacked them again for good measure.
I stood eyeing them as they caught their breath. Both boys looked to be about 11 years old. They were covered in so much dirt you could hardly tell they were humans.
"So what type of argument could make creatures like yourselves roll around in the dirt?" I asked.
"He called me a cheat!" one said, pointing to the other.
"He is a cheat!" Said the other, pointing to the one.
Before they could begin fighting again I whacked them on their heads.
"OUCH!" They yelped.
"Well did you cheat?" I asked the boy with that label.
"Just a little bit!" he replied.
"How about you?" I asked, pointing at the other. "Did you cheat too?"
"Not as much as he did", he replied.
"Hmmm, so you both cheated? but neither of you wants to be called a cheater? Is that correct?", I asked.
"Yes sir", they replied.
Trying not to smile at their serious response I said, "Why don't both of you climb up onto my porch here, and I'll give you an apple beer and tell you a story about cheaters".
Realizing there was no way out of listening to an old timer like myself, they answered, "yes sir". I knew they didn't really want to listen, but it gave me someone to talk to, so I ushered them onto my creaky old porch and gave them a cold apple beer.
Many, many years ago there was a young man. His name was Zachary, but most people just called him Pancake, or Pancake Zac. You see, ever since Pancake could remember, pancakes were his specialty. He could make blueberry, craisinberry, chocolate, whole wheat, half wheat, no wheat, sweet, not sweet, or just plain'ol pancakes. You name it and he could make it with a pancake. For miles around everybody knew Pancake could make the best darn pancakes there ever were. Well one day Pancake found himself in a game of Texas Hold'em. Boy oh boy was it a game to remember. This game had begun in a tournament of cards. Everybody and their dogs had started, but now there were only four people left. Wiley Cry, a Native American brave, Susie Mcdougal the local inn keeper, Smelly Tom the barber, and Pancake himself. Oh and also Smart Henries dog. (I said four people, Henries dog was still in). Needless to say, everyone of those people (and the dog) were incredibly handy when it came to card playing. There were bluffs, calling bluffs, Straights, full houses, Royal Straights, you name it they played it. The game went on and on, nobody gaining ground on the other competitors. The night came and went, morning arrived, then left, then the day passed on by, Still they played, and played and played. Nobody was going to give in. Well Pancake being an intelligent young man, knew he could only take so much more. So he hatched a plan, so devious and sly he couldn't believe Wiley handn't thought of it before him. Yet again the night went by and morning arrived.
"Hey there Susie", Pancaked said. "If you give in now I'll make you pancakes for a month". And he really would, he kind of liked Susie, she was an awefully nice critter for those parts.
Susie gave Pancake one of the sweetest smiles he had ever seen and replied, "Those darn pancakes you concoct aren't worth the tail of a door mouse". Everyone nearby gasped. Nobody had ever passed up Pancake's pancakes.
"Dang Susie you must never have had my Royal raspberry pancakes before!" Pancake replied in mock surprise. "I like to go pick some fresh raspberries, then I sprinkle them into the batter. After I fry them up I sprinkle a little bit of powdered sugar on top. OH! I almost forgot, after the light sprinkle of powdered sugar I add some of my mama's special buttermilk syrup. Hmmm it's making my mouth water just thinking of it."
"This is no card game, this is torture! Pancake if you make me half a dozen of those special Raspberry pancakes I'll quit now!" Wiley yelled as he stuck out his hand for Pancake to shake.
"Deal", Pancake yelled back, grabbing Wiley's hand before he could take it back.
Because of Pancakes cunning there were now only four participants left, Pancake of course, Susie Mcdougal, Smart Henries dog, and Smelly Tom.
-------To be continued---------
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Cornbread?
This last week I have had a wonderful experience. I've been a building supervisor for education week at BYU. At the beginning of the week I was a little nervous about all the responsibility that I would be facing. But one day away from the end, everything has been magical. I use the word magical because it seems to be a teenager kind of word. The building I've been supervising is the Smith Field House. All the classes in there are youth classes. Ages 14-18. Needless to say there is a lot of awkwardness and flirting. But there is a magical quality that lingers.
Tonight as part of my responsibilities as a building supervisor I had the opportunity to chaperon the Youth dance. At first I was at the gate making sure people had passes. After a little while I was allowed into the dance. (I don't know what they were thinking letting me in, but I didn't dance, I controlled myself). Here are a list of things I had to inforce:
1. NO moshing. (jumping up and down was okay, but they weren't allowed to run into each other)
2. Ties had to be tied, shirts had to be tucked in, and shoes had to be worn. Oddly enough I spent a lot of time asking young men to tie their ties and tuck in their shirts.
3. I was an inforcer when it came to couples dancing too close together. When I witnessed episodes of dancing too close I would walk up, tap them on the shoulder and tell them they had to spread apart and dance like so, I would then precede to lift my left hand to eye level and my right hand to waist level. (A little cheesy, but they got the picture).
4. No standing on benches. For some reason people enjoyed dancing on top of the benches.
5. No kissing. Luckily I didn't deal with any kissers.
While the youth danced, my job was to patrol the perimeters and the dance floor checking for the above mentioned taboos. That was when it got really interesting. Numerous girls flirted with me, (my favorite was when a young lady told me she liked my hair). I also had a bundle of girls ask me to dance. Seeing as I was working and about 6 years older then some of them I apolegetically declined.
All in all it was a good dance. But it sure was hard not to bust a move.
Tonight as part of my responsibilities as a building supervisor I had the opportunity to chaperon the Youth dance. At first I was at the gate making sure people had passes. After a little while I was allowed into the dance. (I don't know what they were thinking letting me in, but I didn't dance, I controlled myself). Here are a list of things I had to inforce:
1. NO moshing. (jumping up and down was okay, but they weren't allowed to run into each other)
2. Ties had to be tied, shirts had to be tucked in, and shoes had to be worn. Oddly enough I spent a lot of time asking young men to tie their ties and tuck in their shirts.
3. I was an inforcer when it came to couples dancing too close together. When I witnessed episodes of dancing too close I would walk up, tap them on the shoulder and tell them they had to spread apart and dance like so, I would then precede to lift my left hand to eye level and my right hand to waist level. (A little cheesy, but they got the picture).
4. No standing on benches. For some reason people enjoyed dancing on top of the benches.
5. No kissing. Luckily I didn't deal with any kissers.
While the youth danced, my job was to patrol the perimeters and the dance floor checking for the above mentioned taboos. That was when it got really interesting. Numerous girls flirted with me, (my favorite was when a young lady told me she liked my hair). I also had a bundle of girls ask me to dance. Seeing as I was working and about 6 years older then some of them I apolegetically declined.
All in all it was a good dance. But it sure was hard not to bust a move.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Ode to Nutella
This was a poem written by Kpup and myself.
Ode to Nutella
Creamy brown, sufficient to turn my frown upside down.
Thou art a divine creation, not subject to my malignation.
Oh how my addiction howls for consumption of your quintessence.
Oh nutella
Oh nutella
I need you nutella
When your jar is empty, my upside down frown turns back around.
Without Your sugars my jowls recede, leaving me quite healthy.
I come to indulge my palatial desires, upon thy Heavenly substance.
I peak in the cupboard hoping to find thee, but thou art gone! On the counter I search, on the floor, in the fridge, but you have evaded me. Eventually I find thee, Open and scrapped bare next to a pair of dirty underwear, in the garbage.
Nutella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ode to Nutella
Creamy brown, sufficient to turn my frown upside down.
Thou art a divine creation, not subject to my malignation.
Oh how my addiction howls for consumption of your quintessence.
Oh nutella
Oh nutella
I need you nutella
When your jar is empty, my upside down frown turns back around.
Without Your sugars my jowls recede, leaving me quite healthy.
I come to indulge my palatial desires, upon thy Heavenly substance.
I peak in the cupboard hoping to find thee, but thou art gone! On the counter I search, on the floor, in the fridge, but you have evaded me. Eventually I find thee, Open and scrapped bare next to a pair of dirty underwear, in the garbage.
Nutella!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Gnome
The following poem was inspired by William Blake's poem called, "The Lamb".
The Gnome
Little gnome who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o'er the mead;
Tweedy clothing neon bright;
Gave thee such a scruffy voice,
Making all the vales rejoice!
Little gnome who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Little gnome I'll tell thee,
Little gnome I'll tell thee!
It was not thy parents who made thee
Indeed it was a factory in Malaysia that made thee.
They are cheap and super efficient
I a human and thou a gnome,
We are not called by the same name,
Little gnome god bless thee
Little gnome god bless thee.
The Gnome
Little gnome who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o'er the mead;
Tweedy clothing neon bright;
Gave thee such a scruffy voice,
Making all the vales rejoice!
Little gnome who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Little gnome I'll tell thee,
Little gnome I'll tell thee!
It was not thy parents who made thee
Indeed it was a factory in Malaysia that made thee.
They are cheap and super efficient
I a human and thou a gnome,
We are not called by the same name,
Little gnome god bless thee
Little gnome god bless thee.
It Has Been Figured Out!
What inspires us to create? The other day I was inspired by a commercial for bottled water. The first time I saw the commercial it was absurd. The next time it became interesting. The third time it was inspiring. After watching the commercial over and over again, I decided to create my interpretation of the commercial.
These are a few words that represent my project and the commercial I saw:
Freedom
Conform
Bizarre
Conventional
Harmony
Estranged
These are a few words that represent my project and the commercial I saw:
Freedom
Conform
Bizarre
Conventional
Harmony
Estranged
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