Broken

For the last couple of years I have hidden away. I built a fortress of impenetrable walls, and hid inside. These walls gave me safety from a lot of things; at first they were a protection from disappointment. I started to build them the day I returned home from my mission. To this day I can remember the look of disappointment on the faces of my family when they picked me up from the MTC. The walls were a way for me to forget all the expectations that I had failed. They provided a way for me to move onwards in life. To a degree they worked. I was able to move on in many ways. As the years passed on, I've realized the walls protected from the pain, but they stopped me from progressing as far as I wanted in life. I found that I couldn't have an intimate relationship with anybody. My walls barred the path of unwanted disappointment. But in order to have a meaningful relationship, you need to be open with the other person and risk disappointment. I realized I had built myself a prison of loneliness. With the help of some of my closest friends I realized that I needed to break down my walls and try to face my fear. I needed to risk the pain and discomfort of being disappointed and the fear of disappointing others. If I didn't risk it, I would end up alone for the rest of my life. As easy as it may sound, my walls were not easy to bulldoze. Eventually, with the encouragement of my friends and family I escaped from prison. I broke my walls down enough that I could start caring again. It was quite amazing. It was the feeling of being in a dark, dank house for hours, and then opening the front door to a bright and beautiful day. Hope became my ally and I embraced it. In the end hope betrayed me. There was a girl of course (all good stories have a girl), and for a while I had the hope that I might actually have some sort of relationship with her. That hope was like a bubbly bouncing light that made every moment of my life better. But in the end I found out she didn't feel the same way as I did. To make it worse I know the guy she liked. He was a close friend of mine. In fact he is the closest friend I've ever had. I love him like a brother, which makes it that much harder to bear. I'm now stuck, my hope has been shattered by my brother. He didn't mean to hurt me, I know he didn't, but he did, and now I'm afraid that once again I'll hide and build a new wall.
I know not what to do. But I've found writing often helps me cope. so I wrote this post, not to offend or sway anyone to action, and definitely not to make anyone feel bad. I wrote this post so that the few people that read it and myself, know the cause of my frustrations and sadness. All I ask is that you bear with me as I fight to keep my walls from rebuilding.